Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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