I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
