Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
