70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
tell me about the eggs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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