Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my shit smells like andre
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
