In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
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who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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