His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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