maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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