Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize