Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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