I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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