Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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