He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
