you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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