He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
