I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
