how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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