my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
