So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
