The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize