I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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