dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
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He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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