Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
