do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
