wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
