so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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