shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
