her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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