You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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