Heybabeimwearingurpanties
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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