My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
