woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
