I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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