im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
