Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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