Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
