he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
