dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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