she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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