You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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