I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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