She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
