alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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