I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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