A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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