all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Actions speak louder than pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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