I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
