my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
