i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
