I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.