Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
where are you?
Hypothermia
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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