I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
