so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I need moral support for this bender
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
